SHALL we start with the barmiest chat-up line of the night?

Singles nights have always felt as the social equivalent of standing on a soap box to announce 'I AM LONELY, I AM HORNY AND I WANT TO GET MARRIED BEFORE I TURN 40'

“If I were the father of your children, would you be happy?” said a toothsome Ghanian man, leaning in a little too close. His skin was as pebble smooth as his chat-up attempts. We'd only been speaking for two minutes. 

Mr Smiley was the first to approach me at Manchester’s ‘Biggest’ Singles Night, compèred by leading television relationship coach and partner psychologist to 'Elite Singles', Sam Owen.

In fifteen minutes five men circled like vultures as I sat alone at the bar in The Milton Club. I’ve not been this popular since the school joker pulled down my pants in the hallway in Year 11.

At this point, with Mr Smiley's face inching ever closer, his warm breath heating my eyeballs, I'd usually put up the deflector shield. But tonight, for the sake of this piece, I'd remain pleasant... enough.

L'Oréal BlackettComment